I must do things right for my status is at stake. If I make one worng decision, give one incorrect gift, kiss one wrong cheek, then my life is forfeit. Heck, I'm still wrestling with the hierarchy. Does my wife take precedence over my mother? If so, then my mother gets insulted and I get a day with slow sighs and The Sad Look. You know, "I brought you into this world and this is what I get..."

But if I show deference to my mother over my wife then it's the "You have to live with ME!" glare for the rest of the day.

And if I waste too much time on both of them my mother-in-law will make clucking sounds to her daughter - my wife - about how much better she could have done. She could have married someone WHO CARES.

And the adopted mother will sit, quietly suffering the agonies of martyrdom for being the one left out.

The final topping: the kids will be running rampant leaving a path of destruction for daddy (ME) to clean op and/or fix because it's Mother's Day and they can't be expected to do EVERYTHING.

But it will be worth it, I think, because at the very end a mothe will ask me what I want for Fathers Day and I'll say "To be left alone!!!" and they'll smile and that will be that. Right? RIGHT???